


Loving Dean

by dinluke



Series: the spn fin*le never happend [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Cuddling & Snuggling, Domestic Fluff, Fix-It, Fluff, Kissing, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth, Reunions, Touch-Starved Dean Winchester, my usual brand, they are alive, this was supposed to be cas pov n then i took a uturn uuh im burnt out im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:27:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27860766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinluke/pseuds/dinluke
Summary: “Cas?” Dean sounds broken. It takes all his willpower to not disappear again, to turn around and face him. He owes that to Dean.It wasn’t fair of him, to dump all that on Dean and then die like that. He didn't see much of a choice back then, but now he sees the grief in Dean’s eyes, how his hands are shaking. His lower lip quivers. And all Castiel can think about is how beautiful he is. Still after all that pain, all those battles, he is still his most righteous man, he is still fighting battles for those who can't fight for themselves.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: the spn fin*le never happend [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2039670
Comments: 6
Kudos: 143





	Loving Dean

After the Empty took Castiel, it didn’t just put him back to sleep. No, that would have been too easy. When Jack exploded into its face, when they woke everyone up and made the Empty loud, filled it with the screams of billions of dead, desperate angels and demons, whatever wrath the Empty had, it was nothing compared to the hatred and anger it felt afterwards. And because the Empty had no means to torture Jack themself, it turned at the next best thing, that it did have so conveniently in its slimy little hands. Castiel.

Castiel knew he was really saved when the face he saw as he fell back into sleep was not Dean’s. This was how the Empty tortured him. It let him sleep, but it controlled his dreams. showed him Dean saving him, Dean telling him he loves him, the Empty invaded his most private memories and dreams to exploit them and torture him with them. Some dreams only lasted a few seconds until he was woken up again and found himself in deep, dark nothingness. Some dreams felt like they lasted for years. Dean saved him, always in a different way, and brought him back, they settled down just a few hours away from Sam and Eileen. Sometimes they had a cat. Other times a dog. Other times they raised a kid. But something always felt off and Castiel knew that he would be torn back into the darkness soon, tortured by the knowledge that none of this was real, that this creature was mocking him, violating him. Dean wasn’t real, the cat wasn’t real, the dog wasn’t real. The only kid they had was Jack.

“Castiel,” he hears Jack’s voice and he wakes up in heaven. He knows it’s heaven, knows it’s not a dream from how he can read the text on Jack’s shirt, he can see details in the backgrounds, he is able to think of something completely unrelated. He turns his head and he sees a honey bee hovering by a blossom, a bug crawling through the grass. He’s happy to see the bugs. He knows he's alive.

“Jack,” Castiel says and lets himself get pulled up to his feet and into the arms of his son.

“How long?” he asks.

Jack smiles at him, still has that goofy, innocent, confident air around them. Castiel is so proud of them.

“About two days, on earth,” Jack says and lets go of him, “after the Empty took you, Sam and Dean and I defeated Chuck, I absorbed all his power and restored order, and brought you back.”

Castiel groans, suddenly he has a splitting headache, “two days? I-I thought it was a decade.”

Jack looks worried and stabilises him by the elbow.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t save you sooner.”

Castiel shakes his head, forces a smile, “no, you saved the world. I am proud of you.”

Jack smiles.

“Where are we? Whose heaven is this?” Castiel asks and does his best to straighten his aching bones up, to look strong and tough in front of his son. It’s ridiculous, kind of, given that his son is god now. He still wants to be a role model for Jack, however.

“No one’s,” Jack says, proud smile on his face, “but it will be everybody’s.”

Castiel raises his brows.

“I want to change heaven,” Jack says, “everyone having their own heaven, being separate from their loved ones… that sounded lonely.”

“So you’re making one heaven for everyone?”

Jack nods and smiles, “something like that. I still want it to be perfect for each individual, but less alone.”

Castiel’s chest warms at the thought. He knows people like Dean and Sam, Mary and John, people whose souls were so entwined would sometimes end up sharing a heaven. But what he learned on earth, what he learned because of Dean was that humans care about more than one person. Family is not just your one soulmate, family is your brother, your best friend, your parents, everyone that you’ve faced death with before. Or, for normal people, went through normal people crises. Loss, heartbreaks, disasters, loans.

“Can I do anything to help you?” Castiel asks and then he realises what a silly question that was. Jack is god now. But Jack beams at him.

“Yes, actually, I was hoping for your help.”

So, with Jack’s power and Cas’ experience and knowledge of humans, they make plans. Draft ideas and throw them out again, realise that idea wasn't so bad and digs for it in piles of discarded paper again. Castiel is happy.

Time is different in heaven it’s not linear, not constant, but it is whatever you need it to be. To Castiel, it must have been hours, and he unfolds a tight ball of paper and stares at the name on it a little too long.

“Jack,” he says, gentle as he can, “thank you, for bringing me back and asking for my advice.”

Jack looks at him with puppy eyes that remind him of Sam.

“I will be back. I should go, see Dean.”

Jack smiles and nods and before Castiel can change his mind, Jack snaps his fingers and Castiel is in front of a dark, run-down barn. He can hear the unmistakable sounds of fighting inside. Cold wind is hitting his face and he throws open the door with a flick of his chin, suddenly adrenaline rushes through his veins, so irrationally scared for Sam and Dean. They’re fighting vampires, something they know well how to do. Sam is pushed into a corner by a skinny one and Dean is pushed against a pillar by a burly one, barely missing a metal rod that threatened to stab him. Before Cas thinks he throws the vampire across a room, smites it at the same moment that Sam decapitated the skinny one.

“Cas?” Dean sounds broken. It takes all his willpower to not disappear again, to turn around and face him. He owes that to Dean. 

It wasn’t fair of him, to dump all that on Dean and then die like that. He didn't see much of a choice back then, but now he sees the grief in Dean’s eyes, how his hands are shaking. His lower lip quivers. And all Castiel can think about is how beautiful he is. Still after all that pain, all those battles, he is still his most righteous man, he is still fighting battles for those who can't fight for themselves.

Sam must have left the barn quietly without either of them noticing.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel says and hesitantly takes a step closer.

“Did Jack..?” 

Castiel nods.

Dean almost stumbles over his feet trying to reach Castiel and cup his face, resting his forehead against his.

“How many times,” Dean huffs and Castiel can count the freckles on his cheeks, “have I told you to quit dying on me?”

His eyes are getting glossy with tears and he keeps blinking to avoid crying. 

“I-I’m sorry,” Castiel mutters. Of course Dean would be mad at him.

“Cas,” Dean says his name again and cradles his face like something so precious.

“You can have me,” he says, “if you still want me. Heck, you’ve always had me.”

Castiel's breath hitches. His face trembles as he brings his hands up to cradle Dean’s jaw as well.

“I love-,” Dean says, sounding like the air was being pushed out of his lungs, “love you too, Cas.”

A tear slips down his face. Then another. And another.

Castiel wants to hold him close. Tell him it’s okay, he’s got him. Everything will be fine. Dean will be fine.

“I don't feel like I deserve this,” Dean says, “loving, being loved,” he swallows hard and looks at Castiel with glassy eyes, so much vulnerability, so much pain.

“You do,” Castiel says, “everything I told you, I stand by that, you deserve to love, no one will take your loved ones from you anymore. You deserve to be loved for who you are, not just for what you do for people.”

Dean nods jerkily, and sniffs, like he is trying to force himself to accept Castiel’s words, “Dean,” Castiel says again and takes a little joy in how Dean visibly shivers at the way he says his name, “Everything inside you is good.”

Dean breaks into a smile that is sad, but at the same time genuinely happy. Grieving his unnecessarily traumatic past but relieved for the good days to come.

“Castiel,” he says, using his full name for the first time in months, if not years and his knees almost buckle when Dean does that lash flutter that he does.

“Has anyone ever told you they love you?”

Castiel smiles at him, shakes his head. He isn't sad about that. He had never been loved before he met the Winchesters. He knew from the way they treated him, that they loved him. He didn't need to hear it, the contrast with heaven was enough.

“Well you’ll hear it a shit ton now,” Dean says and clears his throat, “I’ll make everyone tell you. And tell you myself, every day at least.”

Castiel breaks into a grin and so does Dean. He beams at him, happiest he's been in an eternity and it's a strange scene, two men so happy, holding each other like this, surrounded by decapitated corpses. But his ribcage feels flooded with light.

After sorting things out with the kids and the town, on their way back they decide to crash in a Motel. Because minibars, showers with better water pressure, and also they are damn tired.

“So, you two,” Sam skillfully breaks the ice, “you two a couple now, or something?”

Dean stares at the street ahead of him, Castiel stares at the back of his head.

“Sam,” Dean says, “he  _ just _ got back from the dead.”

Sam nods slowly, “I’m just saying, I’m happy for you guys.”

Castiel feels like he should say something, too, “Thank you, Sam, we—”

“We have not nearly done enough talking to label this thing now.”

“Right,” Sam says, “gotta sort out ten years of pining.”

“You wanna be a bitch, really? Right now?”

Sam grins and Castiel leans back comfortably in his seat. He stares at the back of Dean’s head, his slightly pink ears, the way he grips the steering wheel.

The continue to bicker and he thinks he hasn't felt this fond peace in a long time.

They check into the Motel and Dean confidently walks up to the registration, asks for a single and a double, giving Castiel a grin. He looks at the ground.

“Don’t make a lot of noise,” Sam says when they unlock their rooms and Dean playfully kicks the back of his knee.

“I need a shower,” Dean says and drops his bag at the food of his bed,  _ their _ bed and gives him a grin before he bounces into the bathroom.

Castiel closes the door behind himself. Uncomfortably left alone with his thoughts. Dean booked them a double room. Obviously, because of their newfound status as a  _ Couple _ or maybe a  _ Couple-to-be _ . Does he want privacy from Sam? He knows that technically Castiel doesn't sleep, so he could have just gotten two single rooms if he just wanted to talk. And Castiel would love to talk. He hears the sound of water running in the bathroom and sits down on the side of the bed. No that feels wrong. He toes off his shoes and takes off his coat, hangs it over a chair, sits down on the bed again, leaning against the headboard and picks up a romance novel someone had forgotten, or just left there.

“I don't think I’ve ever seen you read a novel before,” Dean says, coming out of the shower in boxers and a fresh t-shirt Cas didn't see him take out of his bag earlier. But he's thankful for it, because Dean looks gorgeous and his heart squeezes at the sight of him.

Castiel closes the novel, not without checking the page, and puts it on the bedside table again.

“Well, I didn't really have any free time until now.”

Dean sits on the bed next to him. Suddenly it's weird and tense between them. Castiel doesn't like that.

“I got this room, because I thought, maybe we should, uh, talk,” Dean says.

He furrows his brows, thinking, “you know, do this  _ right _ so we’re on the same page, I really care about you, Cas, don't wanna mess this up.”

Castiel smiles, “I think that's a good idea.”

Dean looks him in the eyes, smiles and he _ sighs _ . He looks peaceful and comfortable, like he feels safe. He feels safe  _ because _ of Castiel.

“I have loved you for years, Dean,” Castiel says, “but perhaps I didn't realise until I became human, how deeply different I feel for you than for any other human.”

Dean swallows hard.

“Getting my grace back scared me, I worried that because I could no longer taste food, I could no longer  _ feel _ , but it turns out I’ve always felt emotions. More than other angels. That’s why I fell out with them.”

Dean reaches out to take his hand. Traces the lines on his palms.

“Why did you never tell me?”

“I didn't believe you would feel the same. I just imagined it would hurt both you and me to be rejected.”

Dean laughs softly, “I would never have rejected you, always believed you couldn't feel the same because you’re an  _ angel _ .”

The adrenaline of earlier has worn down, they are tired, feel less urgency to express their feelings. All Dean wants now is to fall asleep near Castiel. But he has to  _ tell _ him.

“I’ve loved you since, um, about a year after we met, I’d say.”

Castiel smiles to himself. Dean can’t help a goofy grin at his shyness.

“I wasn't very nice to you back then.”

“Well, no, but you were  _ hot _ .”

Castiel laughs, actually laughs and Dean keeps grinning at him.

“I wasn't very kind to myself about it back then,” Dean says, “about loving you, realising I’ve always _liked_ _men_ , too.”

Castiel cups his face, “there is no shame in this, only goodness.”

“I know now,” Dean says, “I guess there's a good thing that it took us so long, I wouldn't have been good to you back then.”

Castiel nods slowly, “as would I.”

Dean’s hands come up to his face and he confidently leans in his personal space.

“So, I have been wanting to do this for a decade now, can I—” 

Castiel interrupts him with a kiss. He’s smiling against his lips, holds him tight and kisses him again, kisses the corner of his lips and Dean unfreezes, cups his jaw and kisses him back. It feels terrifying, to kiss him, but in a good way. He feels like he's falling again, utterly helpless at someone else's mercy, but he also feels safe. Warm. Loved. Dean pushes him into the bed, kissing him further and rubs his jacket, “are you going to wear this to bed?”

“You know I don't really sleep.”

“I know, but what about  _ my _ comfort, huh?”

Castiel rolls his eyes and in the half darkness he takes off his suit and his dress shirt, puts on one of Dean’s t-shirts and turns around with open arms.

“Approved?”

Dean nods and pats the bed next to him.

“So, this is how it's going to be like?” Castiel says when Dean hugs his body to fall asleep on it. It feels so good, to have the weight of another person against him again. It’s been so long since he’s been held, he’d forgotten how good it feels to trust someone like this.Dean nearly chokes up when he feels his skin eagerly take in the warmth of Castiel’s body, like it’s been starved for years. And it has, Dean was so touch-starved he thought he could never be close to someone again, always thought he’d bring their demise or lose them in any other way. But not with Castiel. Castiel is safety. Castiel is home, Castiel is comfort.

“You bet,” Dean grumbles against his ribs and Castiel smiles into the dark, says, “I like it.”

They lie in silence for a while, comfortable. Dean listens to Castiel’s heartbeat, comforted by the steady reminder that he’s alive. Then, “I felt like I was going to die today,” Dean says, “I don't think I want to hunt anymore.”

It’s something he thought about for a long time, but he never let himself dream. Every time he met another hunter couple who managed to build a life for themselves, free from the horrors of their past lives, it felt like a punch in the gut. Sam getting Eileen back felt that way. He was happy for them sure, but he believed that he could never have it. He wanted to be loved, he was ready for it, was ready to love like he has for years. He just thought he didn’t deserve it and he would never get it.

Castiel kisses his head, hugs him tighter, “you don't have to be. You can do anything you want.”

Dean frees himself out of Castiel’s arms and scoots up, hand on his cheek. Just to look at him, to get used to this maybe, to realise that this is what he has now. Castiel, in his bed, in his clothes, in his arms. He gets to tell him he  _ loves  _ him and Castiel tells him the same back. He gets to have a life, at least three more decades with more happiness, less monsters. Maybe he will get a job, heck, maybe he will let Sam and Castiel talk him into dealing with his trauma better. Anything is possible now. He has a dog. 

Dean feels a sense of happiness, satisfaction, peace that he hasn’t felt in decades. Different from that momentary euphoria that he got from a successful hunt, saving the world without an immediate, even worse monster breaking free. 

For the first time, the future looks bright.

**Author's Note:**

> BREAKING NEWS: All Your Comfort Characters Are Happy And Alive And Found Peace And Contentment In Life. I am sorry if the ending was a bit rushed. Feel free to validate me in the comments or with kudos but if you don’t want to then that’s okay! Remember to take care of yourself, you are doing great, especially given the circumstances, please be kind to yourself!
> 
> [twitter!](https://twitter.com/nbphilim)


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